An accountant’s life can be measured in four ages. The first age is to believe in Father Christmas. The second age is to no longer believe in Father Christmas. The third age is to become Father Christmas. The fourth age is to look like Father Christmas.
The top Christmas wine of 2012: “I don’t like Brussels sprouts.”
Christmas isn’t the same without a party of chess grandmasters bragging about their victories in the lobby of one of the world’s top hotels. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
The three types of accountant. Those who can count and those who can’t.
How do actuaries make their office Christmas parties more exciting? They invite accountants.
Client: “What’s the quickest way to make a small fortune in business?”
Accountant: “Start with a large fortune and open a restaurant.”
The owner of an SME hired an accountant and told her: “I’m so busy that I don’t have time to worry about the finances. That’s your job. The salary is £75k.”
“Your business can afford that?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” said the business owner. “That’s your first worry.”
Suggested email ‘out of office’ text for the holiday season: “ I am on holiday and unable to delete the emails you send me until I get back. Please be patient and upon my return all your emails will be deleted in the order they were received.”
Working late, a trainee accountant encountered one of the senior partners standing in front of the office shredder, holding a single sheet of paper. Keen to impress, the trainee summoned all his courage to ask what the problem was.
“This is an extremely commercially sensitive document and my PA has gone home. Do you know how this machine works?”
“Certainly.” replied the trainee, taking the paper, inserting it into the machine and pressing ‘Start’.
“Thank you,” said the partner. “I just need one copy.”
When you take a long time to get work done, it’s because you’re slow. When your boss takes a long time to get work done, they’re being thorough.
Has your boss ever said this?
- I need a list which specifies all the unknown issues we might encounter.
- Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I tell them.
Sign at the counter of a coffee shop frequented by accountants: “If you’re afraid of change, leave it here.”